The Art Of You

 So I sit before flowers, hoping they will train me in the art of opening up. I stand on mountain tops believing that avalanches will teach me to let go. I know nothing, but I am here to learn.

I’m so lost right now. Lost in who, what, where, how, why. Why all of a sudden are there so many people interested in me when I used to cry due to loneliness? Who is it right to kiss, anyone, or just one of you, or both, or more, or less? Does it hurt to know that there’s someone else, that there’s always someone else? Do I really want to move away, or don’t I? Do I want to stay at my Nana’s for the summer, or drag out my time here as much as possible, get closer to everyone before running away for potentially the rest of my life? Why is everything so complicated, why do I have such terrible self-esteem, why can’t all the perfect traits be in one person instead of scattered throughout them all, why can’t I be happy? How do I fix everything and have a normal life? How do I be happy? How is it that all of this is happening right now.

Lately my parents have been fighting a lot, and every time they do, I cover my ears and curl up in bed and realize how toxic this house is. That a girl is locking herself in her bedroom and crying with her ears covered while her parents scream over stupid things in another room, without caring about the effects it has on her. It’s like a life you’d watch in a movie that people constantly cry over, and that get nominations for just showing a life that sucks, and nothing else.

I still have to go to therapy and talk to Andrea, which I honestly have no drive to do, currently. Especially since last week when I was supposed to go, I woke up late, and then I had a panic attack while trying to get ready, and told my Dad I couldn’t go, because I didn’t have enough time to get ready, and then he started pushing me more and more to go, and eventually he started yelling at me. I don’t even remember much of what he said, but I remember crying so badly in my room, and screaming at him to leave me alone, and I told him to fuck off, and all I do remember was me telling him that he wasn’t helping the situation, making his daughter want to cut herself, and he didn’t even hesitate before mentioning that the real world was hard, and my life wasn’t. I understand that from his point of view, never being exposed to this, that my life would seem petty and simple. But my feelings have nothing to do with that, and more to do with what’s wrong inside my body that causes me to have these reactions. The lack in the “happiness chemical” getting to my brain, thus making me how I am.

I have no problems realizing that a lot of my issues are my own fault. I understand precisely what triggers me, I understand how it effects my relationships, my emotions, my schoolwork, and that I could change it if I really had the drive to. But the thing about depression is that it drains you of any will to try, no matter what you’re trying to do. It makes you lazy, and tired. So yeah, I understand the effects and some causes to an extent, but that doesn’t mean I can force myself to want to change. It’s not as easy as just deciding to be happy. A lot of people don’t understand that. But I also get why people might be scared to be around me, or they might not understand me. I’m complicated. Honestly I wish I came with a warning, because most people who come into my life aren’t nearly prepared enough to handle all of the stuff that goes through my head, all of the thoughts, all of the self-doubt, all of the judgement, despite me priding myself on being a fairly accepting person. The fact is, that’s probably why most people leave, and honestly I don’t really blame them.

Lately I’ve been really bad with self-esteem. I haven’t been able to get dressed and then feel confident in any way. Mostly I just feel shrunken and tired, and uncomfortable in my skin. Every time I see myself in the mirror it’s like another disappointment. I don’t really even want to look at myself anymore, I’ve been avoiding mirrors altogether just to avoid feeling annoyed at myself for not being better, or looking better, or acting better. I know it’s not even my problem that I look the way I do, it’s not like I can change it much, just shift how I play around with it, and how I deal with it. I’ve been having weird health problems too lately, I got another bladder infection, as well as terrifying hip pains today that have decided to not go away. Life obviously loves me lately.

I still haven’t even been thinking about leaving home much, and though it would be nice to escape being around my parents so much and go into a nicer environment, I’m finding myself thinking of all the thing I’ll miss around here, and all the people I’ll miss as well. It’s scary to think that there’s a month left until school ends entirely. Yet I haven’t even filled out my OSAP application, and I think my tuition is due to be in in less than 20 days. Man, the thought is terrifying. That soon I’ll be actually starting my life, and I have no idea if I’ll be able to handle it. But there’s no turning back, because once I have all of that OSAP money, I won’t get another chance, unless I pay for College entirely with my own money, instead of someone else’s loan. There will be legitimately no sneaking out of this plan, or finding ways to make it easier on myself, because I’ve had it easy up until now, and I know that. I’ve never had to get a job or pay for my own things, I’ve never had to do anything for myself. Not cook, not even my own laundry. And soon I’ll be expected to find my own way around, totally alone in the world. In a big, big world. And I don’t know how I’ll cope.

“This is for every time love becomes the finest minute and the darkest hour.
This if for those who scour the streets wondering where the wild things went.
For the believers who lent us their madness.
This is for everyone we miss.”

“My chest is a cannon that I have used to take aim and shoot my heart upon this world.”

“They say, people are getting better.
People are okay.
But I can only say that none of this is okay.
The world is not okay.
And I’m no better then anyone else,
I’m looking for answers.
Stumbling around in the dark,
Curling up like a question mark
Because I don’t know what to do.
But I know you have to care about the world
Because it doesn’t care about you.”

“I wear my heart on my sleeve,

or rather both sleeves, since

it’s usually broken.

Sometimes when I join my hands

to pray, the jagged edges

briefly touch,

like a plate that fell and cracked

apart from being asked

to hold too much”

“When he died they hunched him up
like baby in womb, curled him
into a shallow scoop in the cave-floor,
planted him like a seed as he slowly stiffened,
covering his slumped and earthen limbs
with a layer of red ochre,
sprinkling him with wildflowers”

“You are not beautiful, exactly.
You are beautiful, inexactly.
You let a weed grow by the mulberry
and a mulberry grow by the house.
So close, in the personal quiet
of a windy night, it brushes the wall
and sweeps away the day till we sleep.

A child said it, and it seemed true:
“Things that are lost are all equal.”
But it isn’t true. If I lost you,
the air wouldn’t move, nor the tree grow.
Someone would pull the weed, my flower.
The quiet wouldn’t be yours. If I lost you,
I’d have to ask the grass to let me sleep.”

Out Of Love

It’s hard to have passion with just anyone, I’ve realized. It’s not as simple as pressing yourself against someone and hoping they do something that makes any form of sound escape your lips. It’s hard to want someone, for their fingers to burn your skin, their lips to leave a trail that just won’t go away. It’s easy to treasure touch, but it’s hard to feel it. To feel your eyes glaze over, to feel sleepy, to reach frantically for any sort of skin on skin contact. That feeling isn’t common. Not as common as I thought, at least. You can think in your head as many times as you’d like about someone with their clothes off, and all the magic they can create. But that doesn’t mean they know what they’re capable of. That doesn’t mean they know what you like, or how to bring it out. That doesn’t mean they’re what you expected in your dreams. I don’t even know why I’m mentioning all of this, it’s merely something that decided to come into my head when I opened this page. It’s not relevant, in any way, nor is it interesting. I think that I’ve just been craving that passion, the heaviness, or some form of severe want. To be wanted viciously, and selfishly, and frantically. It’s something that kinda escapes after losing a relationship.

 

I think that for me, the end of my year and a half long relationship is really starting to set in. Today I got rid of a lot of traces of Connor in my bedroom, and all I have left now is a jar and some paper flowers he made. I wiped off all the things he wrote on my walls, got rid of silly things, and little pieces of paper that he stuck around my room that said “I love you.” I even got rid of some of the pictures I took of him with my 35mm camera, which is pretty big. I tore up poems that I wrote for him, I’m getting rid of a book we’ve been writing in for a large part of our relationship, also. It’s getting pretty settle-y, that I’m on my own now. I don’t know if it’s because I wasn’t prepared to ever be alone again, or if it’s just that it’s so strange after so long. I think I’m coming to the conclusion that it’s time to stop thinking of little moments, like the first time he came over, or the first time we kissed,  or the first time we really kissed, and we fell off the couch, and he could hardly breathe at all, he had to go upstairs and get some water. I feel like those moments make me happy, but that I neglect the bad moments, like after that first time we really kissed, when I started to cry because he’d said something that made me think he only wanted me to have sex with. Or like the time I confessed to him in tears that I’d cut, feeling so guilty because I’d told him I wouldn’t do it, and then found out while I was cutting, he was smoking weed and wasn’t planning on telling me about it. It’s things like that, and things like this weekend, that tell me that this is best for us, best for him, mostly. To be with someone a little more stable, to be with someone who won’t be pissed all the time, or who won’t even want to touch him because it’s so excessive, it doesn’t feel special anymore, it just feels like a hassle. I don’t even know if this is just a phase, and we’ve stopped everything because of it, we’ve broken everything apart, thrown the pieces away, just because of a phase that may or may not have been near it’s end, and then we’d be happier than ever. But we’ll never really know, that’s the thing.

“We so seldom understand each other. But if understanding is neither here nor there, and the universe is infinite, then understand that no matter where we go we will always be smack dab in the middle of nowhere. All we can do is share some piece of ourselves, and hope that it’s remembered. Hope that we meant something to someone”

“And this cooks got a vision of French toast
that falls apart so softly
it feels like lovers
lying in bed drinking
the part that sleeps so deeply
the shallow of their dreams is enough for hate to drown in
because if youre gonna come up short on a request like magic beans
you better be sure the first part of that meal better mean something
he tells me it’s a job
and as cliché as that sounds somebodys got to do it
he tells me back in the day they used to let the mothers try
but most of them couldn’t get through it
so a job was born out of necessity.”

 

“Maybe we were never meant to last.
Maybe we’re only meant to reflect fondly upon a past where we cast ourselves in the lead role of a one-year sitcom.
One that had the critics standing, while putting hand to palm,
in an ovation we’re still getting curtain calls for.
And the stage floor was a graveyard for the
freshly cut roses that we waded through
to take our bows and say
thank you.
It was beautiful.”

“You come to me and go away like waves
You change moods like seasons change weather
Sometimes you act hard like a rock
Sometimes as light, soft, and nice as a feather
With you it’s on and off like light
While I stay strong with great defense and might
But I don’t think I’ll win the fight

My inconsolable heart can’t take anymore
You’re putting me down
All the way to the floor

Just like the ocean will never run out of water
Just like the sky won’t ever change to another color
I don’t want to run out of your love
Like peanut butter and jelly, I want us to be together

You and me
Me and you
Always and forever…

I said hello
But I don’t want to say goodbye
Not here, not now, not today
Not for a senseless reason
Not this way”

(Connor, I think you know these songs relate to the first paragraph a little.)

Closer To The Stars

“We’ve managed to muddle through the awkward stage of
“I like you and do you like me”, but when we both said yes
Life became a multiple choice test.
Not knowing anything we became each other’s best guess.
And holding your hand is less like exploration and more like discovery.
Lady, I don’t have to study you to be sure,
You’re the choice I made before I knew what the other choices were.”

Most of the time I have a hard time understanding my mind, like the choices inside could change at any given second. Any moment, my passion for an opinion can fall, and I’ll find myself on the other side. I’ve thought maybe it could be something I can’t change, like I’m bi-polar, or there’s another personality inside of me. But I know that’s probably another one of those thoughts that will change, eventually.

I have such a wonderful time with you, all the time. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to see anyone (or go for a walk) as much as I did Friday night. It was hard, and I was upset, and frankly I was terrified. But all I could think about was just being close to you, even if we would be forced to lay, or sit somewhere totally uncomfortable. Even last night with you was wonderful, and I think you know how badly I didn’t want to leave, and go back to the real world, outside the little world we’ve created together. Up until we got to the hill, I just wanted to hold your hand, or touch you, or do anything to enter back into the safety you provide. I’ve never found much comfort in people, especially not their touch, and I just kept remembering how I used to think  you were so interesting, from afar, even. I’d just look at you, and know, that you’d be someone I could understand. I love how you understand all of my insecurities, like how you mentioned that you know I probably don’t believe you when you say certain things, which is true. I find myself thinking throughout the day why someone like you would ever spend your night laying in silence with someone like me. When we’re together I feel so content, but I’m constantly worrying if you want to leave, or if you’re just as happy as I am. But there’s nothing like sitting with you, and just talking about things, or even not talking at all. When we’re apart, I can’t keep my mind off of it, when I’m going to see you next, how you felt throughout the whole time, if you ever think about me when we’re not around each other. I’m sorry if I’m making it out to be a bigger deal than it is, but I just need to express that I like being with you. I like curling up with you, up high on the hill, closer to the stars, farther away from real life.

“I don’t want to turn any of this into poetry
but
you’re so beautiful
flowers turn their heads to smell you

you make mirrors
want to grind themselves
back down into sand
because they can’t do your reflection justice”
Speaking of real life, yesterday, during the day, was pretty full of it. Going to Orillia makes me realize just how close I am to moving there. Just how close I am from leaving everyone behind, and as the days pass, I get more and more reluctant to go. I’m terrified of never being that similar to someone, and I’m terrified of leaving the little sounds here. The wildlife, the stars, how dark it is, how serene it is, how it’s so freaking boring and quiet that some days I want to eat my own arm. I don’t want to go anymore, but life is pushing me further and further. I had my job interview yesterday, and I tried to be calm, and not scared, and professional, but the truth is, I just don’t want to grow up. I want to grow younger, and I want to stay in this world. I want to be sad in my bedroom and cry, and I want to listen to music, and read books. I don’t want to leave high-school, I don’t want to leave you.

On the other hand, I know that my life two months ago was mature, and I was ready, then. I was ready to move with Connor and live with my Nana and spend all my time with the both of them, and I was ready to move to Toronto, and I was ready to do everything. To have the life I dream about having. With the crappy apartment and the cat, and the cafe’s, and the books, and the job helping people like all of us. Who are too smart to ignore what everyone else does. To ignore the pain, and the suffering, and all of the overwhelming beauty. But I can’t return to the mindset of two months ago. That’s just not how things work. And I know that if I was granted the privilege to go back in time, I’d spend it on re-living a perfect moment instead. Because I live for those. Moments where everything is right, and the positioning of the stars, or the clouds, and the music playing, and the scenery, and the moment, and the person all adds together, and it makes something so beautiful, that you can’t help but want to just dig a hole in that moment, and crawl inside, and just stay there. Fully content, and  warm, and doused in the happiness you didn’t think you were capable of.

Connor, I know you’re going to read this, and there’s no point in ignoring the fact that it doesn’t touch base on us this weekend. Just because I have all of these feelings it doesn’t mean that in my head I’m not considering things. I know that you’re upset that I won’t kiss you, and that we haven’t slept together, and that you don’t know any of the things going on in my head. I’m just trying to put things in place. I love having you as a friend, I really do. But this weekend was overwhelming. You terrified me. You made me run into the bathroom and hide from you, in literal fear. You made me angry, you made me cry, and you made me want to run away. In a way I think that  your problems are too deep for me to handle, that there’s just too much there. Too much pain. And I’m just adding to it. Every time I refuse a kiss, or your hints, it hurts you even deeper, in ways that neither of us probably even notice. In ways that nobody can really notice, just by knowing you. It has to be so much more than that. I just ask that you’re patient with me, and you give me some space, because all of that negativity drains me. It makes me stressed, and weak, and neither of us want to lose each other as a friend.

“I want to fall asleep

next to you
one hundred times a night
so I can know you one hundred times better
before we hit the day light.”

 

“Looking at you, it occurred  to me. I could sit around all day, wearing nothing but your kiss.”

 

Lips, Lips, Lips

I wanna kiss you like a traffic jam,
I wanna move slow,
I wanna stop and go like I know at least I’m moving towards you.

They’ve touched 3 people. Pressed against another person’s lips, shared breath, shared moment, shared ecstasy. I just never thought my lips would bring me to you, or maybe the other way around, because I was willing, it just took sheer participation. It’s not like I didn’t hope, every time we met, whether it was in the dark, or as the sun was just falling, it’s not like I didn’t think of all the possibilities, everything that could happen. Because I considered it all. Weighed the pros and cons, and now I think it’s time to be fully honest, what’s been going on this whole time. But none of you be scared away from me, because you were interested enough to share my bed, interested enough to listen to me worry, interested enough to press your lips to mine, risk the consequences, go against the situations we’re both currently facing, and just kiss me.

There’s a lot of questions I want to ask, but didn’t have the time or courage to ask, or maybe I was just caught up in touching your face and hair, or enjoying the moment. Did you regret it? After this time, after having the night alone, now do you? What did you think about when you got home? On the way home? Was I terrible? Sometimes I hate questioning things so much, I hate over-thinking, but I can’t even help it now, it’s like these thoughts are totally unable to be helped. I just think them, without warning. All I could think about afterwards was “I can’t believe that just happened.” I don’t even think I realized what was going on for the first little while, that someone like you, was leaning in and kissing someone like me. There was a second of just a “God, he’s so beautiful,” before returning back to normal. There was a second of everything. Of awkward, which is normal given that for the past year and a half I’ve kissed someone nearly every day, and he wasn’t you. Which makes it both foreign and makes me more experienced. I don’t even know what to say, right now.

I guess I’m filled with a lot of confusion. Because there’s Connor, of course. And Deanna. We both knew they existed when we were together. I guess what I’m mainly wondering is your motive, what you were thinking up until that second. Did you know it was going to happen when we were sitting under the bridge, when we were walking back to my house, when I was cleaning my room? I know this is a lot to handle, and maybe, to you, it meant nothing. It was just out of pure curiosity. Either way, I think I’d want to hear what’s running through your head right now.

There’s so much more to touch base on. What’s happening in my relationship, what are my plans with Connor, with you. What did it mean, will it happen again? I don’t want to put any pressure on you, because the last thing I do is to scare you away. I’m fine with anything. Playing it out, continuing to  have “walks”, living like today over and over again. I don’t want to make this confusing, or hard, for anyone. I’m just putting my thoughts here.

Oh, and

Newfound Friendship

This relationship is so confusing. I don’t know what to even call it, and you’re making it so much harder. I know that it’s easier for you if we still have the weekends, and we can still hang out at school. I know that. It’s just- you can’t keep doing this to me. Treating me like you’re in love with me. I know that it’s stupid, because obviously you are. But we’re friends. Granted, we’re friends that have sex more than we probably should, but we agreed on being friends. You can’t keep expecting me to send you pictures of me, you can’t keep calling me at night and reading to me, and you can’t keep calling me those pet-names. It makes it so much more difficult to handle, it makes it feel like we still are what we used to be, and the reality of the situation is that we aren’t. I’m not yours anymore. If prompted, I could touch anyone else in the ways I’ve touched you at any moment, I could be with someone physically, or mentally. You could do the same. There are no restrictions. I don’t hold the power over you to tell you what to do, and it’s not acceptable for you to touch base on our past, like it’s not a past.

I know this has been difficult for you, and I often wonder why it’s not as hard for me. But I think it’s because you’re still comforting me the same way as usual, I just get more freedom. Its like we’re dating but with the ability for me to go and screw someone else, and that- in my eyes, is wrong. You can be as sexual as you’d like, because sex without a relationship is just sex, and nothing more. But to bring this to such a high emotional level makes it more than it’s supposed to be.

With this being said, I think that we should eliminate the “I love you’s” on the weekends. I feel so frustrated when you mention the weekend in our daily conversations like it’s a momentarily get back together on the weekend thing, and then we separate again on Sunday. You can’t call me your girlfriend, you shouldn’t tell me you love me, even if it’s during sex. I know it’s hard (ha) but you shouldn’t be doing it, and neither should I. It’s just adding in emotional strings that we can both pull on, you saying things like that, and me getting frustrated or giving in and treating you like my boyfriend. It’s not preparing us for the week apart, at all. If you’re uncomfortable with the situation after I’ve eliminated these things, then we don’t have to see each other on the weekends, I just think that this weekend in particular is important for us, because it’s my job interview, and we’ll both be applying to other places down there. It only seems right that you do join me there.

I think that the hardest part of all of this is the fact that when we’re apart, you always lean on my friends even more, and then I hardly get to hang out with them, or see them. That’s what frustrates me the most. That you steal everyone from me. Last time it was Rema, this time it’s Windwalker. You had a life before me, and you left it. That was your choice. But you don’t need to steal mine, every time that we break apart. It literally makes me really angry when you do that, and that’s why I didn’t let you call tonight. That, and because it’s wrong that you’re reading to me and confessing things to me while I’m sleeping. That’s not what you’d usually do with friends, so you shouldn’t be doing it with me, even if it does comfort the both of us. This is meant to put a strain on us, it’s meant to be difficult, so that we realize if we should be together or not. If it’s more painful for me to live with or without you. If possibly being with someone else is worth losing each other.

I know that we were together for a year and 7 months, and I know that’s a long time. You become accustomed to things, to saying things, to each other. My body becomes normal, and comfortable to you. My house becomes the same way. You met my family, and they met you. I met yours, and not so much. But still. We need to let go of that, in order to be friends. This is a new start for us, we shouldn’t be hesitant about changing things. This isn’t how you treat your friends, and I think that this has to change- we have to change, in order to work together again.

So, with that being said, I’m going to mention things I like about you, and things I dislike about you, to better educate you, I suppose.

Things I Like:
-That you’re willing to do anything for me. (Although this has a fine line, you shouldn’t give up what you want for me all the time, you need to work on telling me what you want, being entirely honest with me no matter how upset I’d get at what you’re saying. It’s important.)
-That we’re so comfortable together. (Though doing terrifying and inappropriate things in front of me isn’t necessary, and makes me find you less attractive.)
-That you’re certain of this new you.
-We have a lot of the same views.
-You’re charismatic.
-You’re physically comforting. (You draw on me, etc.)
-You’re open to change, and listen to me.

Things I Dislike:
-Lack of confidence. (You constantly assume I think you’re unattractive, put yourself down, don’t have the ability to stand up for yourself when someone else or I say things you don’t like, you won’t be honest with me, constantly complain that you’re a loner- have no friends-and that your life sucks, etc.)
-You’re very fake around me, and won’t tell me what makes you mad.
-You hide things in being cute and feeling sorry for yourself, but that makes you seem less mature and less attractive.
-You tell too many inappropriate jokes that usually concern me, like I’m your prop in more conversations instead of your girlfriend.
-You draw a lot of attention to us, and you know that I get extremely nervous when you do that, and it makes me angry.
-No independence.
-Don’t understand when I need to be alone, and how to deal with it.
-Don’t walk away when you get angry, instead you stay and make me more frustrated or confused or I don’t know if I did anything wrong, therefore I’ll keep doing it.

Welp, that’s basically all that I can think of, and at this point i’m pretty tired and would like to go to bed, especially if I’m actually gonna show up to school tomorrow, because this cold is draining me like crazy. I just wanted to write my thoughts and progress since we agreed on writing about how we’ve been dealing with things.

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Constellations and Secrets

“Some days, I think
that if we were together
for eternity
like the ocean and the shore
or the moon and the stars
that i’d know you better than myself
your body
i’d know that two inches
below your belly button
and to the left
is a mole
better than i’d know that
right above my lip
is a freckle nobody notices
some days, I think
I hope your body becomes routine
like checking the mail
because there are endless things
to find
and i’d like to mark them with an x
and uncover them with my tongue
some days, i think
you’re beautiful”

I don’t really know what to say here anymore, because most of the things inside my head aren’t safe to mention. I could ruin things by expressing my every day thoughts, and that’s a little scary. I don’t want to hurt or drive anyone away, and I don’t want to destroy the relationships I’ve built. It’s so frustrating keeping everything in, not being able to confide in my own blog of all things, but that’s just how things have to be, I suppose.

This weekend, Connor came over, to find out what our plan is going to be, and we’ve decided on being friends, for right now. Because I need to get my head on straight, and figure things out. Although next weekend he is coming with me to Orillia for my job interview at Swiss Chalet, because he needs to apply to some places, and it’s just more convenient that way.

I’ve been talking to someone named David, lately. It’s really strange, the relationship. I know I only talk to flirt, and feel nice, and that’s wrong. But it’s so iffy, one minute he’s nice, one minute he seems drunk, or high, and the next minute he’s telling me to take my clothes off for him. It’s terrifying. I don’t even know why I continue talking to him, especially when he makes me uncomfortable and I continue refusing to do the things he asks for. It’s just like I like feeling wanted for once, like someone is finally frank about how they feel about me, or if they’re interested in me or not. Because it’s not black and white with everyone else. There’s so many shades in-between, so many hidden things, and I’m a person who reads into things, convinces myself people hate me, or I’m annoying, or that everyone thinks I’m unattractive. It just makes me long for a world where people will just tell you their thoughts on you. They’ll tell you what they’re thinking about without hesitation, without secrets. Then again, it’s not like I’m upfront with anyone else, either. I’m basically using this as a journal, but still I’m refraining from saying what I really feel, because I’m terrified of how it’ll affect things.

My therapist has suggested many things for me to do, some being breathing exercises, as well as getting some form of physical exercise, and a way of clearing my head, so I’ve been going for walks a few times a week, at night, mostly. It’s been nice, mostly because I actually have some company. Nathan’s been coming for walks with me, and although I feel extremely annoying asking all the time, and my head goes into over-drive and convinces me that I’m being a burden, or that he doesn’t want to be around me (like it usually does), it makes me feel a lot better, like I have somewhere safe to escape to. Like when my house is overpowering, or I can’t be around my Mom anymore, or when I feel like I might cut, that I can just not be alone. I know it’s a lot of pressure to put on one person, which I’m now just realizing, but I’ve actually been a lot.. I don’t know.. Healthier feeling. Even if it has created some problems with Connor and I.

We  tried to go there together on the weekend, to the beach, and it just felt wrong, like I was tainting it. I don’t even know why. I thought it would be nice, when he described going there, sitting, talking, smoking. But I couldn’t. I just sat there feeling numb the whole time, and we had to leave. It just felt like a different world, but maybe I was just upset, or in a depressed mode, but it just felt wrong. I’m being dramatic, I mean I’m not making it out to be a sacred place for my life outside of Connor. I don’t know why I felt that way, and I’m not explaining it right. But. I don’t know. I can’t put my thoughts into words, it was just indescribable, and I don’t know why.

jdjghkd i can’t do this right now.

“somebody once described to me
a fiction where eyes contain galaxies

within them,
and it’s the stars that make them sparkle
when a smile dances across their mouth..

but in disbelief, I wavered
for the city lights always drowned out the stars

but your gaze caresses me
like I’m of the finest silks
and in that is a fiction itself..

all my doubts were smoothed over
as my chin was tilted upward,
and there before me were the galaxies
captured within your eyes.”

“So you take yourself

Down off the shelf
And open your pages wide
Offering your audience
A careful look inside

And you claim that if
A reader’d wish
To peruse you ever still
And write their story in the margins
They’re all welcome if they will

But in all I’ve read
And words I’ve said
On your pages they’ve spilled
I find your cover sticking shut
And here your promise unfulfilled

If all the world’s a library
Volumes full of you and me
I think I’d leave you on that shelf mostly unread
Because you care not for my words
Or read too far into my verse—
I’ll be borrowing some better books instead.”

“Tell us that as far as life goes,
Our finger prints are like snowflakes.
We leave them on everything
But they melt in the time it takes to touch someone’s tongue”