I’m so lost right now. Lost in who, what, where, how, why. Why all of a sudden are there so many people interested in me when I used to cry due to loneliness? Who is it right to kiss, anyone, or just one of you, or both, or more, or less? Does it hurt to know that there’s someone else, that there’s always someone else? Do I really want to move away, or don’t I? Do I want to stay at my Nana’s for the summer, or drag out my time here as much as possible, get closer to everyone before running away for potentially the rest of my life? Why is everything so complicated, why do I have such terrible self-esteem, why can’t all the perfect traits be in one person instead of scattered throughout them all, why can’t I be happy? How do I fix everything and have a normal life? How do I be happy? How is it that all of this is happening right now.
Lately my parents have been fighting a lot, and every time they do, I cover my ears and curl up in bed and realize how toxic this house is. That a girl is locking herself in her bedroom and crying with her ears covered while her parents scream over stupid things in another room, without caring about the effects it has on her. It’s like a life you’d watch in a movie that people constantly cry over, and that get nominations for just showing a life that sucks, and nothing else.
I still have to go to therapy and talk to Andrea, which I honestly have no drive to do, currently. Especially since last week when I was supposed to go, I woke up late, and then I had a panic attack while trying to get ready, and told my Dad I couldn’t go, because I didn’t have enough time to get ready, and then he started pushing me more and more to go, and eventually he started yelling at me. I don’t even remember much of what he said, but I remember crying so badly in my room, and screaming at him to leave me alone, and I told him to fuck off, and all I do remember was me telling him that he wasn’t helping the situation, making his daughter want to cut herself, and he didn’t even hesitate before mentioning that the real world was hard, and my life wasn’t. I understand that from his point of view, never being exposed to this, that my life would seem petty and simple. But my feelings have nothing to do with that, and more to do with what’s wrong inside my body that causes me to have these reactions. The lack in the “happiness chemical” getting to my brain, thus making me how I am.
I have no problems realizing that a lot of my issues are my own fault. I understand precisely what triggers me, I understand how it effects my relationships, my emotions, my schoolwork, and that I could change it if I really had the drive to. But the thing about depression is that it drains you of any will to try, no matter what you’re trying to do. It makes you lazy, and tired. So yeah, I understand the effects and some causes to an extent, but that doesn’t mean I can force myself to want to change. It’s not as easy as just deciding to be happy. A lot of people don’t understand that. But I also get why people might be scared to be around me, or they might not understand me. I’m complicated. Honestly I wish I came with a warning, because most people who come into my life aren’t nearly prepared enough to handle all of the stuff that goes through my head, all of the thoughts, all of the self-doubt, all of the judgement, despite me priding myself on being a fairly accepting person. The fact is, that’s probably why most people leave, and honestly I don’t really blame them.
Lately I’ve been really bad with self-esteem. I haven’t been able to get dressed and then feel confident in any way. Mostly I just feel shrunken and tired, and uncomfortable in my skin. Every time I see myself in the mirror it’s like another disappointment. I don’t really even want to look at myself anymore, I’ve been avoiding mirrors altogether just to avoid feeling annoyed at myself for not being better, or looking better, or acting better. I know it’s not even my problem that I look the way I do, it’s not like I can change it much, just shift how I play around with it, and how I deal with it. I’ve been having weird health problems too lately, I got another bladder infection, as well as terrifying hip pains today that have decided to not go away. Life obviously loves me lately.
I still haven’t even been thinking about leaving home much, and though it would be nice to escape being around my parents so much and go into a nicer environment, I’m finding myself thinking of all the thing I’ll miss around here, and all the people I’ll miss as well. It’s scary to think that there’s a month left until school ends entirely. Yet I haven’t even filled out my OSAP application, and I think my tuition is due to be in in less than 20 days. Man, the thought is terrifying. That soon I’ll be actually starting my life, and I have no idea if I’ll be able to handle it. But there’s no turning back, because once I have all of that OSAP money, I won’t get another chance, unless I pay for College entirely with my own money, instead of someone else’s loan. There will be legitimately no sneaking out of this plan, or finding ways to make it easier on myself, because I’ve had it easy up until now, and I know that. I’ve never had to get a job or pay for my own things, I’ve never had to do anything for myself. Not cook, not even my own laundry. And soon I’ll be expected to find my own way around, totally alone in the world. In a big, big world. And I don’t know how I’ll cope.
“This is for every time love becomes the finest minute and the darkest hour.
This if for those who scour the streets wondering where the wild things went.
For the believers who lent us their madness.
This is for everyone we miss.”
“My chest is a cannon that I have used to take aim and shoot my heart upon this world.”
“They say, people are getting better.
People are okay.
But I can only say that none of this is okay.
The world is not okay.
And I’m no better then anyone else,
I’m looking for answers.
Stumbling around in the dark,
Curling up like a question mark
Because I don’t know what to do.
But I know you have to care about the world
Because it doesn’t care about you.”
“I wear my heart on my sleeve,
or rather both sleeves, since
it’s usually broken.
Sometimes when I join my hands
to pray, the jagged edges
like a plate that fell and cracked
apart from being asked
to hold too much”
“When he died they hunched him up
like baby in womb, curled him
into a shallow scoop in the cave-floor,
planted him like a seed as he slowly stiffened,
covering his slumped and earthen limbs
with a layer of red ochre,
sprinkling him with wildflowers”
“You are not beautiful, exactly.
You are beautiful, inexactly.
You let a weed grow by the mulberry
and a mulberry grow by the house.
So close, in the personal quiet
of a windy night, it brushes the wall
and sweeps away the day till we sleep.
A child said it, and it seemed true:
“Things that are lost are all equal.”
But it isn’t true. If I lost you,
the air wouldn’t move, nor the tree grow.
Someone would pull the weed, my flower.
The quiet wouldn’t be yours. If I lost you,
I’d have to ask the grass to let me sleep.”